Day 4, Where is My Mind?

Yes, the Pixes song, should be in your head now.

It is day 4 with no sugar or flour.  I am a nincompoop, and didn’t go to the store before I started.  Because of that, I had nothing of substance to eat.  I have eaten an obscene amount of clementines and popcorn. I fixed that last night and bought so many veggies I should be good for a week or two. My teeny tiny fridge is very full.

Anyhow, as you maybe able to ascertain from my chattering about the fullness of my fridge, my head is not 100% right now.  I remember when I first went without flour on the weekdays the first week was hard.  I was a little bit mean, and tired.  I think it is (I have no scientific basis) my blood sugar has nothing spiking it, and my body isn’t used to that.  I imagine I’ll feel much better in a few days. It also doesn’t help I have been home reading article, now for a full two weeks.

My sister was saying that my diet is so restrictive already she doesn’t know why I’m doing this. I tried to explain to her, but I’m not sure she can understand.  Once I get through the initial phase of my body readjusting, I’ll feel so much better.  Before I started doing this, if you follow the blog I had been having a hard month.  My food and emotions were not in check. They are so connected for me, and I imagine for everyone if they paid attention.  It may seem extreme, but sometimes we need a shockabuku to get ourselves back to where we belong. I really hope someone gets that reference.

Tonight I will cook something great, although I have no idea what.  Just for fun, here is what my arms are beginning to look like.  They may still be big, with the under cottage cheese flab, but they are getting firmer.  The only body part I have that I would say I’ve hated are my upper arms, so this improvement makes me happy. Sorry for the 2 semi creepy photo, but I am mildly infatuated with the change in appearance of where my arm meets my shoulder.

ImageImage

Je suis folle!

I was reading other blogs this morning, and stumbled upon this. This girl is pretty awesome, and I can relate to many of her feelings.  She had beriatric surgery, but I imagine the feeling of the transformation is the same regardless of the path.

I remember when I had initially lost a big chunk of weight, I did used to be much bigger.  When I went from at least 260ish (god knows I was never weighed near my heaviest, and my heaviest time on a scale was high 250’s), down to around where I am now, I remember feeling similar to her.  I would look at my body turning into a body that looked like a “normal” body.  I actually remember when sitting in the desks at school wasn’t uncomfortable, well, because they stabbed my fat. They are still uncomfortable. There was one day, I was sitting in a physics office hour, and looked over into the glass on the cabinet doors beside me.  I remember it so clearly, from the pants I had on, to what was on the chalkboard.  It was the first time I can remember looking at myself and not being horrified since childhood.  My legs were a normal size and shape.  I was so happy.  Now I am that low weight at my starting point, but I see myself the same way I did when I was 50/60 lbs heavier. I don’t see a normal person anymore because I sit down, and my gut comes out in a most unsightly way.  The double chin when someone takes a photo from a low angle kills me. I even look at my hands when Mr. F is holding them and I compare the size of our hands.  Sometimes I get upset because I don’t think I clearly have the woman’s hands. I empirically do, I am just crazy sometimes. It’s all a matter of perspective.  Mine sucks. I don’t think I can fix it, but at least I can be aware of it.

I can’t help but worry that it will never be enough.  My sister is 130lbs, which is a very high weight for her, and I think she feels the same way I do.  I had a friend who had been hospitalized for anorexia multiple times.  When I met her she was doing really well, around 110lbs, up from her lowest of around 70.  She would always say, “I have to look at myself with a mirror, not a magnifying glass.”  It’s great advice neither of us can take. She disappeared, I looked for her. She had a major breakdown because of an immoral therapist at Stony Brook University whom I hope she reported.  Last I heard from her, she went back to her treatment center down south. She seems much like me outwardly.  We both seem terribly independent and tough, we are very together, from doing well at work, school, to doing volunteer work, etc; type A people. I think that drive, and need to look perfect, stems from an inherent fragility and insecurity.  Obesity and anorexia are different sides of the same coin.

I hope and wish both of us, and everyone with the same demons, learn to put the magnifying glass down.

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2 Responses to Day 4, Where is My Mind?

  1. Jean says:

    I love that. Look at myself with a mirror and not a magnifying glass. Superb.

    And you GO girl! Look at them biceps!

  2. Hazimax says:

    Thanks for this!!! Really great to know people read my blog and it helps people

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