Yelling at the Rain

“She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it).”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

I am sometimes a bitchy ungrateful thing. My family, after a touch of passive aggressiveness decided to care at least a little. My mom offered to throw some money at the dress. She originally had asked how much the photographer was, when I told her, she said never mind. Her plan to pay for it was quashed by the amount. It was really funny actually.

The weekend was complete crap. We got a lot accomplished but still, just horrible. Yesterday I spent my vacation day in bed, with the lights off, half awake with my head just aching. It’s just stress.

We picked the wedding cake flavors, and a rough idea of the cake design. I realized a day after we didn’t leave with an estimate. Since I was working on two hours of sleep, and had driven hours to get there it’s a miracle I had any mind at all. We are getting the cake from vegan treats, and will get something very similar to this, but with blue where the white ribbons are, the yellow will remain.

Then we drove from PA to Westchester to see the ceremony location and the reception restaurant. The restaurant turned into a family affair but Mr. F’s family liked it, so I guess that’s a plus. The park is lovely. The private room on the second floor of the restaurant looked a bit dingy, but I know it’ll look much better with linens and cleaned. The day of the wedding I’ll have to get there in the early day, or send someone to open the windows. It feels stuffy. The room however, with the exception of the floor, is lovely, and no one will notice the floor at night. The walls are tinned, I think that’s the expression. That isn’t wall paper.

The park is beautiful. I wish we could have the whole wedding there. I’d love a big tent with twinkle lights and lanterns. Sadly parks close at dusk.

The cake tasting and the exhaustion and stress have left me taking crap care of myself. I have been sleeping too much or not enough. The amount of protein I’m eating is shameful. There were days I made most my meals out of pretzels and hummus. The dishes were piling up, and the under-pant pile outside of my bathroom is sizable. It’s time to shake it off, and get myself together. The major wedding plans are done, and now it’s time to work on my thesis.

My mom showed me her wedding photos. It may sound sad, but I think it was the first time I’d ever seen them. That may give you an idea of how unsentimental my family is. My parents’ whole wedding cost around $700. That includes everything, from the photographer to the one of a kind dress, and the catering. She offered me her dress. It’s beautiful but I doubt it’ll fit me. My mother was a teeny tiny woman when she was young. I think even if I lost every pound I want to, her ribs would still be significantly smaller than mine. I was very happy she offered. I told her to offer it to my older sister first. It would fit her, and it would mean so much to her.

I am still not whole. I have muscle pains up my ribcage, god knows why. My skin has freaked out. I have a dry patch on my upper lip that has been there for a week. None of my other skin is dry. The inside of my mouth has made a habit of coming off. My body is not dealing with the stress very well. I haven’t lost any weight, but I look different. That’s good I suppose. I think I just need to get organized and push on. Sometimes when you attack the problems, they don’t seem so bad. The solutions just need to feel like they’re starting. On that note, I have an email to write to HR about my health insurance. One check mark is a good start to being done!

On the 17th we, Mr. F, Princess K, and I, will give up flour and sugar for a month. We’ll keep you posted.

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